hog overboard

you wouldn't think hedgehogs would know how to swim, would you?  

but don't take this to mean that i like being put in a giant white tub with steep slippery walls. if you think about it, it really sounds like a crime, doesn't it. it's a good thing the help keep feeding me so regularly or this would be a real problem.
- muffin h. hog.

mayfair or bust

i was thinking today, and you know what's better than a big cage?  a bigger cage.

see you in mayfair.
- muffin h. hog.

hogdog

my agent called me today and told me to get a dog because everyone who is famous has to have at least one. so this is my new dog:

her name is baguette and she is awesome because she doesn't make a sound and she never bothers me. i think everybody should be more like baguette.
- muffin h. hog.

muffini

i don't understand why the fuss about martinis is.

they are incredibly uncomfortable, for one thing.
- muffin h. hog.

debutante

this cake makes me really nervous

because what if i fall asleep and somebody decides that i look like a dessert?

that's why whenever i'm asleep and i hear people coming, i make sure to make a lot of unpleasant noises so they know i am alive.

- muffin h. hog.

gossip hog

my agent sent me this magazine today.

i think he wants me to know just how far you can go even if you were born behind bars like me and leighton.
- muffin h. hog.

kiss the hog

i dont know a lot about saint patrick, but apparently he got famous from getting rid of all the snakes in ireland.  i don't really like snakes much either, but i hope he's not coming back for hedgehogs. 

- muffin h. hog.